#7

Curiosity kills the cat. I just learnt a lesson from this saying.

When you wanted to know something, you promised that you will accept it. But when the truth revealed, you wish you didn't want to know the truth. Because you can't handle it.

Quite a similar thing happened to me very recently. But I did not ask for it. I happened to saw something I wish I did not see. And it keeps bothering me until now. It will at least until I know the truth. But do I really wanna know the truth? What if the truth is not what I want to know? Now I wish I didn't saw it. So that I wouldn't be so curious and eager to know about it and end up hurting myself.

But I can't unsee things I saw. And I can't unknow things I knew. The most I can do now is to pretend that it never happen, I never saw anything, and continue living my life as usual.

#6

Patience is the key for everything. You want to be successful, you've put effort on something, you be patient if the result is not there yet. You're angry with someone, you be patient first before you burst at them. You want to have something, you be patient if you still can't afford them yet.

Just remember, losers are those who gave up. It's not that they didn't try. They did. But they're not patient enough to wait for the result. They don't want to keep going. They stopped. They gave up. Imagine how much effort have been put in the first place, when they're just about to start it. And they gave up. And all of them goes to waste.

So remember, just be patient. The pain we feel right now is temporary. The results will be forever. And satisfying. When you feel like giving up because it seems like you're gonna fail or the achievement will never be there, don't. You'll succeed, sooner or later. You just need to be patient. Just imagine how badly you wanted it before you started. And now that you're on the way there, you're just gonna quit? No. Be patient.

#5

Is honesty always the best policy? Sometimes I think it's best to keep something as a secret, rather than telling the truth. One little truth can change almost everything. It's a risk. It's either be better, or be worse. And once you know the truth, there's no way turning back.

I know I'm such a coward for not taking risks. But for me, as long as I can handle keeping everything to myself, I will.

#4

Being a teenager (I'm 21 this year but I still consider myself as a teenager) is really confusing. We want to be treated like an adult, but we still act like a child. Sometimes we thought that our decision is mature enough, but the truth is, it's the most childish decision an adult could have made. Sometimes we want to do some things that only children do, or give excuses to make mistakes that we are still young, but then we realised that we are not kids anymore. It's so torturing to be in this phase.

Growing up is a mistake, but we can't run away from that. Time flies, so does age. We get older every second. Some people say "age doesn't matter", but for me, it does. And as a normal person, you're supposed to act like your age. Think like your age. Of course we can still have our young souls, but growing up comes with a package of responsibilities and commitments. There are limits on having fun.

At home, when my mother tells me every single thing that I should to, I'll think of rebelling. Because I'm a big girl and I know what should I do. I don't need someone to remind me all the time, as if I'm still a kid. Asking me to do something that I know I should do makes me don't wanna do it anymore. But when I think again, is that how a grown up should act? I don't want to be treated like a kid, but does my attitude shows that I'm not a kid anymore?

So, what am I? I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. I'm just a 21 year old female human being who's still figuring out her life. Trying to have young soul but mature mind. That's me.

#3

"When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need." - Coldplay, Fix You.

I don't know why, this song just popped out in my head when I was thinking of writing this. Though that's not really what's happening to me. I tried my best and I succeed. Not a really great success but I did not fail. So that's definitely a success, right?

Next, the second part. I did not get what I want. Not sure whether it is something that I need or not. But I am so reluctant to go on with my life, particularly my studies. I'm currently in my semester break. I honestly can't wait to start a new semester since I literally did not do anything or go anywhere throughout this holiday. I feel more like a human, more lively in uni. But when the grouping list comes out, the feeling just vanished.

I am in the same group with someone I am not really comfortable working with. I know this sounds very childish. But just imagine, it's gonna be for the whole semester. I'm not saying I can simply dislike a person, but I've been working and dealing with that person for the past 3 semesters. Maybe he doesn't feel the same, he's okay with me. But I am not the type of person who can get over things very easily. Little things like this can be really disturbing. Once I feel like I can't cope with one's style, I'll never will. What's even worse, right now we're working together on some project and God knows how many times we had arguments and misunderstandings and I can't stand working and create another argument with him anymore. His style doesn't meet mine, at all. He's very 'kiasu' and 'gelabah' and wants to do everything by himself and get all the credits and then stressed out because he feels like he's the only one doing everything. Whereas I am a very underground person. I'll do what I should do. You won't see I'm doing my job, but at the end of the day mine will be done, better than yours. I'm the 'rilex lah' person, but doesn't mean I'm not responsible. It's just that I'm not 'kiasu' and 'gelabah' like you.

Another case that the grouping list showed me is that one person that is actually someone to me, is in the same group with someone that I'm very insecure of. And seeing them working together, going to classes together for the whole semester will just making me more insecure and will kill me slowly inside.

I just don't know how should I survive. I know I will survive. I will. I'm very sure about that. These two things that are bothering me, shouldn't be stopping me from doing things I should do, in another word, passing. I know I'll survive. But tell me, how?

#2

I always create my own conversations in my head. From 'hi' to 'bye', I had it all. Usually about things that I wish to say to someone. The sad part of the story is, I think none of them has actually comes true. It's either I ruined it with the first word that came out of my mouth, or the other person didn't actually follow the script that I made, which they didn't even know exists.

There's pros and conts about this. The good part is, the virtual conversations in my head are sometimes the worst case scenario that I can imagine at that moment, so when it didn't turn out to be the exact same thing, it's actually better. And the contrast is of course, when I imagined something better, nice and sweet conversations, and it turned out to be cold and boring and awkward and you name it, I get frustrated.

I give you one example. I have this one friend. Quite a close friend. For the past few weeks, I realised that he didn't show anymore interest talking to me like he used to. In my head, I prepared our conversation earlier. How I would ignite this topic, my questions, his answers, how should I counter his answers, and the conversation should end with him admitting that he was avoiding me because he's now annoyed with me. Then I cry and leave him. Reality: I told him that I noticed he's been avoiding just me, not any other person and guess what was he's respond? He didn't realise it happened, he feels the same and he didn't even know how I could come out with the idea of saying this. I don't know whether that's just an excuse or maybe it was just me who overthink but all the conversations that I planned in my head was useless. Our actual conversation became very awkward and I had to change the topic 180 degree and pretend that the thing I said just now never happened to save the moment. I don't know whether I should be grateful or frustrated that it didn't turn out to be as I planned because in real life, I know that he's not avoiding or keeping a distance from me. But there were no happy moment at the ending that made me a little bit sad.

I know the example above was not a really good story. It seems nothing, not a big deal. But trust me, even a small thing can be really disturbing, right? Okay I'll give another example. Since I sometime am very pessimistic, I sometimes ( I repeat, sometimes!) had an imagination of me getting sick, like really sick and admitted to the hospital. And the people who all these while took me for granted finally realised how much they love me and regret for not treating me as I should and blablabla. When I wake up everyday, feeling very well, I can't stop being grateful that it did not happen, otherwise I might already be dead by now. How stupid we are, wishing for something we shouldn't. Health is something really precious, you won't trade it with anything else. Because people will still love you, no matter you know it or not.

What I want to highlight in this post is things don't always happen as we plan. There are so many other factors that we might overlook. We often see thing only from our own perspectives, while there are thousands more angles of view that can affect that one particular situation. Whatever the outcome is, it can't be that bad. I believe in God. He loves us and He'll never give us something bad. If we can't see the bright side of something, it's our fault. Not His. Not the universe's. It's us.

#1

I appreciate friendships. I really do. The I don't know how to show it. I don't know how to keep catching up with my friends who I no longer see in school or uni or anywhere else. Because I'm not the type of person who calls/message my friends very to catch up with their life. I'll feel clingy, and annoying. But I do want to know about their lives.

Sometimes I get jealous when my friends have other friends who they tell stories to, and hangout with. When they acknowledge their other friend as a keeper. Haha, now I sound pathetic.

Okay, just to make it clear, I do have friends. In fact, lots of them. I still keep in touch with my friends from school, foundation, friends that I meet along the way. But if you ask me who's my best friend, who is that one person that I can always rely on anytime I need her, who is the person I would tag or will tag me when there's a tag-your-bestfriend-and-win competition online, who's gonna be my bridesmaid, I just can't name one. My friends have their own best friends. I'll always be the second choice. Or third. Or I don't know at which rank I am.

I'd once told this to one of my friend. And he said it's just my feeling. I am blessed with a lot of friends, I should be grateful. There are cliques in my uni, and I can get along with most of them. I have lunch with this group of people, study with another one, and have dinner with another bunch of people. Not everyone can do that. Yes, I admit it. I am easy-to-get-along kind of person. But it usually ends there. When I'm right in front of them, I exist. But when we don't meet each other, no one bothers to know how am I doing. Thanks to Twitter and Instagram where I sometimes post my daily activities, I hope they remembers me.

I'm not blaming anyone. Not blaming my friends. I have no reason doing that. I myself didn't ask them, what do I expect? But I do have things to tell, and I just thought that it would be great if I have one best friend just for myself. Gosh what exactly am I talking about? This is getting crappier. Okay maybe I'm just in a mess. I better stop now. To my friends, I'm not saying that I don't have friends. I do acknowledge our friendships. And I do appreciate them. And I love all of you :)