#2

I always create my own conversations in my head. From 'hi' to 'bye', I had it all. Usually about things that I wish to say to someone. The sad part of the story is, I think none of them has actually comes true. It's either I ruined it with the first word that came out of my mouth, or the other person didn't actually follow the script that I made, which they didn't even know exists.

There's pros and conts about this. The good part is, the virtual conversations in my head are sometimes the worst case scenario that I can imagine at that moment, so when it didn't turn out to be the exact same thing, it's actually better. And the contrast is of course, when I imagined something better, nice and sweet conversations, and it turned out to be cold and boring and awkward and you name it, I get frustrated.

I give you one example. I have this one friend. Quite a close friend. For the past few weeks, I realised that he didn't show anymore interest talking to me like he used to. In my head, I prepared our conversation earlier. How I would ignite this topic, my questions, his answers, how should I counter his answers, and the conversation should end with him admitting that he was avoiding me because he's now annoyed with me. Then I cry and leave him. Reality: I told him that I noticed he's been avoiding just me, not any other person and guess what was he's respond? He didn't realise it happened, he feels the same and he didn't even know how I could come out with the idea of saying this. I don't know whether that's just an excuse or maybe it was just me who overthink but all the conversations that I planned in my head was useless. Our actual conversation became very awkward and I had to change the topic 180 degree and pretend that the thing I said just now never happened to save the moment. I don't know whether I should be grateful or frustrated that it didn't turn out to be as I planned because in real life, I know that he's not avoiding or keeping a distance from me. But there were no happy moment at the ending that made me a little bit sad.

I know the example above was not a really good story. It seems nothing, not a big deal. But trust me, even a small thing can be really disturbing, right? Okay I'll give another example. Since I sometime am very pessimistic, I sometimes ( I repeat, sometimes!) had an imagination of me getting sick, like really sick and admitted to the hospital. And the people who all these while took me for granted finally realised how much they love me and regret for not treating me as I should and blablabla. When I wake up everyday, feeling very well, I can't stop being grateful that it did not happen, otherwise I might already be dead by now. How stupid we are, wishing for something we shouldn't. Health is something really precious, you won't trade it with anything else. Because people will still love you, no matter you know it or not.

What I want to highlight in this post is things don't always happen as we plan. There are so many other factors that we might overlook. We often see thing only from our own perspectives, while there are thousands more angles of view that can affect that one particular situation. Whatever the outcome is, it can't be that bad. I believe in God. He loves us and He'll never give us something bad. If we can't see the bright side of something, it's our fault. Not His. Not the universe's. It's us.